The act of expression

I find it easiest to express myself with words. With written words, it’s best through pen and paper but keys on a screen work in a pinch. I don’t have a painting or drawing or really musical bone in my body. I’ve tried a little poetry, I’ve enjoyed writing a few songs (that will never see the light of day), but nothing clicked. Nothing I could really sink my teeth into. But a narrative, a slow, long form contemplation, that shit I can get behind. 

For a while I have had more need of this than ever. I’ve been dealing with some nonsense or other at work for the whole year, I’ve struggled giving friendships the attention and love that they deserve, and I’m in the process of dealing with the break down (or, I suppose, up) of what was the most important relationship in my life. And in the last several weeks it’s really managed to get on top of me. I haven’t been able to express myself well and it’s all been bottled up. 

But as of Thursday last week, I took a break. It’s not going to be very long, but already it’s proven necessary and I’m planning the next. I unplugged from all work things, I removed the noisier apps from my phone, and went on a small holiday to Bordeaux courtesy of an invite from one of my very best pals. 

Now, while it was great and fun and full of (hopefully) new friends, it made me realise something. 

I haven’t felt quite like myself for a long time. I seemed to myself overly serious, I felt somewhat withdrawn, like I was holding back, and the scary thing was that these new people didn’t know that anything was off. I was able realise though because there were several moments where something unlocked, when I let go of something I didn’t know I was holding on to and felt like myself again. It was a lot. But it was good. And that was great. 

The thing about strong feelings though is that if you don’t do anything with them, they don’t do anyone any good. They, you, we, need a way to express them. A way to get ‘em all out, to bundle them up outside of yourself, without yourself, so you can actually do something with them. To take what’s within and make it without. 

The best way to do this, in my poorly researched and limited view, is creatively. Through music, or art, or games, or writing. But you can do what you please, I would imagine sports could work too (Go sports?), and code if that’s what you’re into. Just as long as it’s something that gives you an outlet and gives your expression shape. 

Maybe you can nervously publish it (like this) online, maybe you can just stick it in a room somewhere, or rock it out at a gig, or even burn it right away; the point is the act of expression itself. Making something without of you, and then doing something with it, helps. And I wish more people I knew did it more often (and selfishly that they would share it with me). 

Which is what this is. This is all really a way to say that I have created a second section on this site for more personal self-centered expression and keep this one for more serious professional-y stuff.

I want to talk about therapy and music and love and poetry, and this really doesn’t feel like the right place to do that. So, it’ll be somewhere else. And that’s why I haven’t published here for a while. I wasn’t able to express what was most on my mind and so I didn’t. But with the new place, that should change. Hopefully. 

If you’re reading this in your inbox you will not automatically be signed up to the more personal stuff, if you’d like to be you’ll have to go use this link: your.substack.com/account and toggle to ‘Personal’ stuff on.

If you can’t work it out though just let me know and I’ll help ya.